Bring a plate

Not sure what to take to the Federal Election Party you’ve been invited to on May 18?

These might work:

Mini Pork Barrels – great treat for those in marginal seats

Don Chips – an all-time favourite to keep the bastards honest

Some Greens – you know they’re good for you

Raw onions – popular in Warringah

Cold Democracy Sausage – pork, lamb, beef, chicken, kangaroo and tofu all minced together with so much garlic and chili you won’t have clue what your eating.

Free Trade Gluten Free Locovarian Vegan Nibblies – don’t worry if no one eats them, the chooks might give ‘em a shot the next morning

Halal Raspberry Tart – available exclusively from the fish and chip shop in Ipswich, just ask for Pauline

Bowl of Mixed Nuts – pick up some at Fraser Anning’s next rally.

Mashed Potato Head – Skin Dutton, Boil Dutton, Mash Dutton, hopefully this dish will be gone by 7pm AEST election night.

Cheese and Frackers – they’re a gas, gas, gas, all proceeds go to buying back puddle water from the Cayman Islands

Pigs in Blankets – Michaelia Cash is screaming about these

Little Boys – favourites of Family First and the Christian Democrats

Chicken Wings – left and right wings on separate plates please.

Frankingfurters – absolutely super!

Joshy Boy’s New Clothes

Three days ago there was a Treasurer so exceedingly fond of a surplus that he backed his whole career on a shiny new budget. He cared nothing about the impending climate catastrophe, the unemployed, or the expensive and empty detention centre on the tropical island named after the holy one’s day of birth. He only cared about the optics of a surplus. He had a graph for every hour of the day, and instead of saying, as one might, about any other person in charge of the budget, “The Treasurer’s consulting with the poor and needy,” here in the land of continuous economic growth they say, “Joshy’s in the fitting room with Scotty, the boss.”

In the capital where he counted all the money, life was an allowance fuelled rort. Every day hungry corporate overlords came to Canberra, and among them one day came two swindlers, one from the IPA, the other from the Minerals Council. They let it be known they could fashion a budget from the most magnificent lies imaginable. Not only were their lies made from the finest white patriarchal fibre, but a budget woven of this mendacious fabric had a wonderful way of becoming invisible to anyone who was deemed unfit for financial assistance. These leaners would be far too uncouth and undeserving to appreciate the wonders of an invisible budget, the swindlers boasted.

You know the rest of the story.

Bring on the election Scomo. We see right through you and your naked neo-liberal chummy boys.